To my dearest Ideal Video Game,
Listen. We need to talk. If you really want to have a serious relationship with me, there are going to have to be some things that happen for us to take it to the next level. I’m tired of settling for games that offer me the same old bit. I’ve tasted true love and I don’t think I can ever go back. If I’m going to shell out the money to buy you, we better make sure this is a legit operation. So, below I’m going to outline a few things for you that will guarantee our success and a long lasting relationship.
Feature an Important Lesbian Character
First things first, I will most definitely pick you up at the store if you feature a legitimate lesbian character pivotal to the storyline. This could be that my main character has the option to be a lesbian. Or, even better, my character has the option of romancing a woman in game. (And not in the “geared-towards-straight-dudes-sexual” way, but in the “they’re-actually-having-a-relationship” way.) A great example of this has been in the Dragon Age series where there is a rich back story and opportunities for you to not only identify as gay but to romance women. Plus, you can do all this without anyone addressing your “alternative lifestyle” or talking about your struggles with being gay. It just is. This is unfortunately rare. So, when I do find a game that includes this, it’s likely I will latch on and never let you go. Sorry if this seems clingy, Ideal Video Game, but it’s what a girl wants. I’ll only appreciate you more.
Have a Storyline (or be an RPG)
As much as I love many different types of video games, I can only take so much of the first-person shooter. In fact, shooters these days just freak me out too much – they’re super high stress. Don’t get me wrong, there was a time I played games like Counter-Strike and Tribes religiously but these days RPGs are my game of choice. I need a story so I can immerse myself in a completely different place. If I absolutely have to go into battle, I want it to be necessary in driving the storyline. Ideal Video Game, if you want to get with this, you better be in it for the long haul. If I decide to hang out with you for the day, I want to be so totally infatuated with you that I can’t send you away. I want to spend all my time with you and be drawn into your intrigue and adventures. If you give me a gun and just tell me to kill all the aliens, I’ll probably get bored and just want to explore the planet thereby sending all my colleagues to their death. Do you want that? DO YOU REALLY WANT THEIR BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS? I didn’t think so.
Customizable Features and Outfits
This probably goes hand in hand with playing an RPG, but I like playing a game where I can make my character look like me. I also like being able to pick out awesome looking outfits for my character. The more options the better. (Side note, what is with hair on video games looking really awful?) Much like the lesbian requirement above, I like to be able to identify with my character. Ideal Video Game, this is how our relationship can get past a surface-level romance. If you can make me feel like I’m a part of your world by putting as much of me into it as you can, the better I can give you my all. You may think I’m being a crazy and selfish girlfriend that you have to shower with gifts to make happy, but you want this. Trust me. I’m awesome.
Before there were guns…
When it’s time to lavish me with an arsenal of weapons (like any good girlfriend should do for the person they love), lay off the guns. They are so predictable and boring. Give me things like axes, swords, daggers, and crossbows. These weapons require cunning and let me know that you appreciate a lady who can problem solve, strategize, and is incredibly skilled in various combat situations. Ideal Video Game, wouldn’t you prefer a girl who can throw knives and cast spells? If not, just remember that when you’re aiming your AK-47 at my face, I’ll just quickly cast a crushing prison spell that envelops you and keeps you writhing in extreme agony thinking about the poor choices you’ve made.
In conclusion, I think I’ve given you enough to think about for the time being. If you think these expectations are reasonable and you’re willing to accommodate my needs, I will be happy to carry on a long-term relationship with you. Even if you only include that first one there, I would be happy to try you out. But girl, if you’re not even willing to give me that, you can continue to collect dust on the shelf as this woman’s going to walk right on by. I’m not effin’ around.