There were some weird games that were put out for the NES. I’m not even sure how our family came across some of the ones we had (or that buying them was a good decision). However, one such purchase was Kabuki Quantum Fighter. On the whole, it’s a relatively short game comprised of only six “rounds”. What it lacked in length though, it made up for in difficulty. This was definitely one of the hardest games I played on the NES but still managed to be one of my favorites.
The basic premise:
You’re cast as a military soldier Colonel Scott O’Connor in the future who has been chosen to undertake a mission to combat a virus originating from a neighboring planet that is now living inside our planet’s main defense computer. Translation: Aliens want to destroy Earth. When Scott’s brain enters the computer world he takes on the persona of his ancestors who were Kabuki actors. Not sure what his personal feelings were on that one. But… in short, it’s pretty much The Matrix.
Why it’s so mother-effin’ awesome:
1. Scott is a dude who uses his hair as a formidable weapon throughout all levels. Wherein most games will give you something like a crowbar or handgun, Quantum Fighter gives you Scott’s luscious locks. And this isn’t a weapon you upgrade like in other games – your alternative ammo runs out quite often and you are forced to use Scott’s hair…a lot. (This could also be because I really suck at this game.)
2. The bosses in this game are weird. I get that they’re supposed to be aliens and all but for an 8-bit video console, they were pretty diverse. The first couple bosses bear the likeness of cast members from Cirque du Soleil who jump around and occasionally throw an orb of energy or a blaze of fire at you. The third boss looks like a cross between Audrey 2 from Little Shop of Horrors and one of the Langoliers. The fourth one is just stupidly hard. And most importantly, the final boss looks like an enormous penis with jaws that can only be attacked while it’s attacking. (That’s what…she said?) Needless to say I always used the game genie on this one.
3. The Matrix takes place in 2199 and machines have created a simulated reality to pacify and subdue the human population. Quantum Figher takes place in 2056 and aliens want to fire laser weapons at Earth and destroy the human population. Who’s cooler? YOU TELL ME.
So what you can take away from all this is that:
a) This game was weird. Really, really weird. And I like weird stuff.
b) Your hair is your friend and clearly your best weapon. Note to self: Buy better shampoo.
c) Cheating is great and necessary. Never let anyone tell you different.
You can easily play this game with any emulators you find on the internet. The rom is usually available in most online lists you find as well. I still play it every once in awhile so despite its simplistic nature it has a high replayability. If you’d like to skip out on actually playing it but want to see the penis monster…it’s right here.